Buy The Cow

I have finally figured it out.  I finally know what it is I love about chick flicks (insert gay jokes here).  I loved “message in a bottle”  I read “Nights in Rodanthe” and liked it!  I watch “The L Word” for christ sake.  I loved “A Bend in the Road” by Nicholas Sparks………….Sorry, just checking to making sure my balls were still there.   Anyway, I figured it out.  I like that shit for the same reason that I loved Goodfellas and Boyz n the Hood.  It allows me into a place that I have no reason being in and no access to.  I have no way of knowing what happens when 7 lesbians get together and have coffee, I don’t know what happens when the 5 families get together.  This is the reason that I loved fried green tomatoes (besides it being a great movie)  It allows me to see subcultures of society that i will never get to experience.  I guess it is the same reason I watch the porno where women tie shock collars to each others nether regions and push the button (obviously wearing black leather)….nevermind.  Long story short i know why i like Goodfellas…and the L word (besides watching tons of naked girl on girl sex)

Defining difference between men and women…Women try to smell good, men try to “not stink”.  Just a thought.

I just heard that Mamma Mia is coming out now as a movie.  Is that really where it has come to.  Without even going into whether or not we need more exposure for the 1980s (70s?) “supergroup”, is this really necessary?  We had a group that had a few hits, but there have been many of those and then someone (probably a gay dude, not that there is anything wrong with it) decided that it would be a great idea to write a production show based on that music.  I can think of about 20 groups that have music more deserving of a show made from it, but there is no accounting for taste, I am digressing.  That show, flying in the face of any logic I can conjure, is a smash (among theatre going folk, but so was Cats, I mean seriously).  So now they are going to make that show into a movie, yeah because Rent did so well!  But that is not even the big deal.  Here is the big deal, I am sure that at some point there will be a soundtrack available from the motion picture Mamma Mia and on that soundtrack, there may be music inspired by the movie Mamma Mia.  So….in case you were not paying attention, IT WOULD BE MUSIC, INSPIRED BY A MOVIE, INSPIRED BY A PLAY THAT WAS INSPIRED BY MUSIC!!!!!  I am no genius, but if A=B and B=C and basic logic says that A and C have to be equal……WOULDN’T THAT MUSIC INSPIRED BY THE MOVIE MAMMA MIA BE THE GREATEST HITS OF ABBA????????? THEY ALREADY RELEASED THAT 50 TIMES!!!!!! IF ANY OF YOU STUPID FUCKS BUY THIS SOUNDTRACK WE ARE GOING TO HELL IN A HAND BASKET AND I AM NOW CONVINCED THAT I CANNOT HELP YOU!!!!!!!!!

What the hell is happening????  I remember when only waitresses, bellhops and strippers got tips!  Now i can’t go into any donut shop, coffee shop, sandwich stand, pizza joint, men’s room (even unattended) without out seeing a jar or even a styrofoam cup marked “tips” or some dude with his hand out.  You know what is even worse?  It is becoming industry standard for establishments that traditionally get tips to add an automatic 15%,  this is bullshit!!!!  I heard somewhere that tips is a acronym for “to insure prompt service”  I don’t know how true this is considering that the word in that context would be “ensure” not “insure” but the message is sound.  A tip is supposed to be a gratuity given “above and beyond” the listed cost for service that was “above and beyond” what is expected.  GRATUITY meaning that i am grateful for what you did.  If you ignore me, act like you are doing me a favor for being there and then bring me the wrong order and make me feel bad for mentioning it, what am I grateful about?  In addition if your only job is to ask me what i want and then hand it to me, is it possible for you to go above and beyond?  Like Bill Mahr said “if your whole role is to take my coffee order and then pass it across the counter when it is ready, you are not waiting on me, I am waiting on you!”  Since every job imaginable now has a tip jar or sign that reads “we accept tips”  not even “tips are a appreciated” ( don’t you think that if it was concieveable that you should get a tip for what you did, you probably would not need a sign to let me know that you accept them)  it makes everyone think they should get them, plumbers, mechanics, bus drivers.  It is like me where a t-shirt that say “I accept blowjobs”. Really? No shit?  so if someone wanted to give you money, you would take it, shocking!  The question is why the fuck would i want to give you extra money?  What’s next teachers asking for tips from their students because they bothered to show up?  Cops arriving to the scene faster if you slip them a $20?  Hey service industry, quit grubbing for money and do your fucking jobs!  If I think that the service you provided was more than I expected I may CHOOSE to tip you, get it?  I may choose to do it.  If you don’t get a tip it is because you suck at your job, get better at it or get a job that pays better.  Oh and for the establishments that enforce a sliding manditory tips policy for big parties of people, it’s extortion!  you should just be happy we chose this fucking dump in the first place! 

It seems that every married women I meet tells the same story, they are always “wicked horny”, they love sex and they wish their man would bang them more often and harder. (there are a few exceptions)  It also seems that every married man I know tells the same story.  They have to wait for weeks and months until they finally get to have sex and when they do, it is not nearly as good as it was when you were dating.  It is always the really hot sex, when she is wearing the threadbare t-shirt she sleeps in along with old sweats…sexy!   So here is the question…Who then is she telling that “her husband doesn’t bang her often enough or hard enough”??????  Who is the fool she is bullshitting with stories of how much “she don’t eat meat but she sure love the BONE”  I think that it is all bullshit.  I think that all women love sex and i think that they all want sex, but the truth is THEY ARE LAZY, and therefore, withholding it is the easiest way they can exert power without actually working for it.  Think about it, if they were the bread winner that would give them power, but that takes too much effort.  If they gave into all of their urges like we do, how would they get us to take out the garbage or clean the gutters or watch Project Runway!  No they would rather have everyone (except their husband) believe that they are these porn stars.  That way all the world will want to bang them, and that gives them power to make the world do what they want without effort! 

Lets talk about equal rights and division of labor for a minute.  Now before i go off, i want to let everyone know that I am not a caveman.  I agree that the husband and or father in the household holds just as much responsibilty in running the house and raising the children, i am perfectly willing to concede that point.  It isn’t 1950 and it is not the wife’s job to make sure dinner is on the table and the children’s homework is done while i have 3 scotches and smoke 4 cigarettes (which were good for you in 1950) before anyone is allowed to speak to me.  If everyone is working full time, the housework should be split 50/50, yes you massagionists, you may have to do laundry and wash windows. 

 HERE IS WHERE THE SYSTEM BREAKS DOWN….. If I work 50 hours a week and you work 10 and we have no kids, the housework is not split 50/fucking/50.  The division of labor begins when your weekly hourly total of work reaches at least 40 hours!  I am not saying you have to make as much as me or we have to pay equally for the household expenses, we are a team and everything each of us makes goes into the same pot.  What i am saying is that MY 50 HOURS A WEEK THAT I HAVE TO PUT IN IN ORDER TO MAKE SURE THE MORTGAGE PAYMENT DOESN’T BOUNCE counts toward my weekly hourly total of work put into the household.  You can not expect me to get up a 6am work until 5pm and the minute i walk in the door, you hand a fucking vacuum cleaner and then withhold sex when I laugh at you!  especially when i called at 10am and you were still FUCKING SLEEPING!!!!!!!!!!  All I am saying is fair is fair.  If you want to get up every morning a six while I sleep till 10, you put in 10 hour days while I hit starbucks TWICE, that is fine with me.  You can bet that dinner will be ready when you get home and i will fuck you like I own you any night you want, I promise.

Peace Out

Does anyone else think it is bullshit that work monitors your online activity????  I mean it is bad enough that we have to spend 9 hours a day in this fucking place, now we have to behave too???  You think i have enough to work to keep me busy all day???? If i did, i would find a new job!!!!!!  Plus when online poker and online fantasy football and  online titties are so readily available why would I work??????  If my shit wasn’t getting done then sure we have a problem but this is just a bunch of tech nerds looking through my trash.  If they had their own lives or at least an online life, it would not be so fascinating to see what i have been doing online!!!! 

Have we not reach a point is our developement as a society that we can now safely admit that ventriloquists are not anything resembling funny??!!!!  I mean let’s be honest it is a dude who probably didn’t have any friends as a kid and now spends his days with his fist up the ass of a wooden doll.  If I wanted to watch someone stick something up someone’s ass it would not be a middle aged loser and it would sure as shit not be a wooden doll!!!  There are plenty of internet masterpieces dedicated to sticking things in asses.  

Do you really think we don’t know it is you talking????  And  why is he allowed to say degrading, defamitory and digusting things just because he is pretending it is the fucking dummy talking!!!   Does that mean I can walk through a scrapbooking party saying “hey nice tits” as long as i have my hand up someone’s ass?  If so I am going to attend more scrapbooking parties!!!

PSA for all aspiring v-donkeys, we can see your lips moving, just stop.  Watch my lips move…You are still a loser even if you have a whole bunch of wooden friends!!!

What the fuck!!!
Just how long exactly does Auntie Flow hang around. This is bullshit! I am SURE she was just here last week. I am quite sure that there is a direct correlation between blueballs and Aunt Flow’s travel plans. All i can say is i am kicking that bloody bitch to the curb tonight!

It is Thursday night and i am exhausted… I have worked all day to bring home the bacon. I walked in the door at 6:00 in a happy mood, and why not cause my child runs to the door to greet me with excitement to tell me ”i did a puzzle today daddy!” My dinner is hot and ready to eat.  After dinner, i take my son up and get him ready for bed. Give him his bath, and read him no lees than 3 books. He is happy and ready for bed. It is now 8:30pm Everything is sweet. I walk down the stairs with squinted eye burning to go to sleep. I pour a drink, wine or nice cold rum and coke…. I am ready to relax and catch some warm time on the couch with my lovely wife. No more than a few minutes in the couch she says it. No she assumes it… She even has the peppermint foot cream ready. “Will you rub my feet, i am exhausted” Now, under most circumstances… this is fantastic. I would not be bothered in the slightest. BUT, let us change this just a little bit. Lets back up a few minutes and say i want a BJ… cause i am exhausted!!! What if i put some cinnamon scented lube in my pocket and a knut rag in the other… Minutes after we sit down i pull them out and want my shaft worked… this is not ok is it?? Especially since i assumed it! Well let me put it out there… Guys feet are their cocks… When we are exhausted, we don’t need a foot rub we need a cock rub. Deal with it!