Buy The Cow

New Comedian on the scene Brandon Ficara.  Very funny!

By Most standards, I am a pretty average, normal, guy.  I like football and porno and books about war…wait a minute, that is Dennis Leary.  But along the same lines, I do actually like football and porno, but not the war part and only soft core porn, not the rough stuff or the pooping movies.  Anyway,  I am digressing.  Do you ever look at your friends and think, “should these people really be breeding?”  I mean really most people I talk to and think, “wow, what an idiot (feel free to substitute asshole), I sure hope he doesn’t have kids.”  “I would not let that dude raise my dog”.  But invariable, they always do.  I think to myself, I know how fucked up I am and my parents were fairly responsible and I didn’t have MTV or constant access to video games, I can only imagine how much therapy that kid will need.  But, i did have access to my dad’s not so hidden porn stash and that is probably not so good.  It explains my warped perception of sex though.  It cannot be healthy for a 10 year old to watch two women with doormat bush, bang each other with a pool cue.  That explains my warped view of pool.  Actually, now that I think about it, I probably am not that normal and most of my friends are probably saying to themselves, “wow!  am i glad that guy does not have kids!”

  What is the deal with shit stains?  Ever see a girl that gets shit stains in her panties?  It never happens, yet I don’t know a man in the world who is a stranger to the lovely brown mark in the ass of his shorts.  It is something that is inherent on the y chromosome?  Incessent anal leakage?  That is the reason the Olestral never took off as a fat substitute in food, it was said to cause anal leakage.  Women were more afraid of catching the man disease known as swamp ass than they were of getting fat. Men were afraid of being forced to change gitch everyday at lunch.   I guess that is the trade off.  Women get someone to be a provider and men get someone who will wash their shit stained, ass marked, tighty whities!!!

I am starting the find that the older I get, the more hassle it seems be to do ANYTHING.  Obviously it is more effort to get a flag football game together and there doesn’t seem to be enough time in the week to dust the canoe off a couple of times a season and get out there, but i am not talking about that.  I am talking about things that take no effort at all, like going to the local pub for a beer, going out for breakfast, even going into town to do some shopping.  These things take no physical effort at all, but more and more i find myself in that state of internal negotiation…Well i have movies here at home I can watch, maybe it will be a great day and The Good The Bad and the Ugly will be on TCM.  It is too expensive to go out for drinks and then I have to drive home after, just not worth it.  What do I really need in town anyway???  Have I become that old man that lives below you and keeps screaming for you to turn your music down?  The guy you never see outside of his inhabitance but you know he exists because you see people delivering stuff,food, books, blow up dolls.   I remember when “going out”  was what you looked forward to, now all I look forward to is going home.  Remember when you had to have a really good reason to miss a night out with your friends?  Now I can find any reason to not hang out with my friends…actually I don’t even think I have any friends because they are all in their basements drinking beer alone and ordering take out justifying reasons that they do not need to leave the house.

I have finally figured it out.  I finally know what it is I love about chick flicks (insert gay jokes here).  I loved “message in a bottle”  I read “Nights in Rodanthe” and liked it!  I watch “The L Word” for christ sake.  I loved “A Bend in the Road” by Nicholas Sparks………….Sorry, just checking to making sure my balls were still there.   Anyway, I figured it out.  I like that shit for the same reason that I loved Goodfellas and Boyz n the Hood.  It allows me into a place that I have no reason being in and no access to.  I have no way of knowing what happens when 7 lesbians get together and have coffee, I don’t know what happens when the 5 families get together.  This is the reason that I loved fried green tomatoes (besides it being a great movie)  It allows me to see subcultures of society that i will never get to experience.  I guess it is the same reason I watch the porno where women tie shock collars to each others nether regions and push the button (obviously wearing black leather)….nevermind.  Long story short i know why i like Goodfellas…and the L word (besides watching tons of naked girl on girl sex)

Defining difference between men and women…Women try to smell good, men try to “not stink”.  Just a thought.

I just heard that Mamma Mia is coming out now as a movie.  Is that really where it has come to.  Without even going into whether or not we need more exposure for the 1980s (70s?) “supergroup”, is this really necessary?  We had a group that had a few hits, but there have been many of those and then someone (probably a gay dude, not that there is anything wrong with it) decided that it would be a great idea to write a production show based on that music.  I can think of about 20 groups that have music more deserving of a show made from it, but there is no accounting for taste, I am digressing.  That show, flying in the face of any logic I can conjure, is a smash (among theatre going folk, but so was Cats, I mean seriously).  So now they are going to make that show into a movie, yeah because Rent did so well!  But that is not even the big deal.  Here is the big deal, I am sure that at some point there will be a soundtrack available from the motion picture Mamma Mia and on that soundtrack, there may be music inspired by the movie Mamma Mia.  So….in case you were not paying attention, IT WOULD BE MUSIC, INSPIRED BY A MOVIE, INSPIRED BY A PLAY THAT WAS INSPIRED BY MUSIC!!!!!  I am no genius, but if A=B and B=C and basic logic says that A and C have to be equal……WOULDN’T THAT MUSIC INSPIRED BY THE MOVIE MAMMA MIA BE THE GREATEST HITS OF ABBA????????? THEY ALREADY RELEASED THAT 50 TIMES!!!!!! IF ANY OF YOU STUPID FUCKS BUY THIS SOUNDTRACK WE ARE GOING TO HELL IN A HAND BASKET AND I AM NOW CONVINCED THAT I CANNOT HELP YOU!!!!!!!!!

What the hell is happening????  I remember when only waitresses, bellhops and strippers got tips!  Now i can’t go into any donut shop, coffee shop, sandwich stand, pizza joint, men’s room (even unattended) without out seeing a jar or even a styrofoam cup marked “tips” or some dude with his hand out.  You know what is even worse?  It is becoming industry standard for establishments that traditionally get tips to add an automatic 15%,  this is bullshit!!!!  I heard somewhere that tips is a acronym for “to insure prompt service”  I don’t know how true this is considering that the word in that context would be “ensure” not “insure” but the message is sound.  A tip is supposed to be a gratuity given “above and beyond” the listed cost for service that was “above and beyond” what is expected.  GRATUITY meaning that i am grateful for what you did.  If you ignore me, act like you are doing me a favor for being there and then bring me the wrong order and make me feel bad for mentioning it, what am I grateful about?  In addition if your only job is to ask me what i want and then hand it to me, is it possible for you to go above and beyond?  Like Bill Mahr said “if your whole role is to take my coffee order and then pass it across the counter when it is ready, you are not waiting on me, I am waiting on you!”  Since every job imaginable now has a tip jar or sign that reads “we accept tips”  not even “tips are a appreciated” ( don’t you think that if it was concieveable that you should get a tip for what you did, you probably would not need a sign to let me know that you accept them)  it makes everyone think they should get them, plumbers, mechanics, bus drivers.  It is like me where a t-shirt that say “I accept blowjobs”. Really? No shit?  so if someone wanted to give you money, you would take it, shocking!  The question is why the fuck would i want to give you extra money?  What’s next teachers asking for tips from their students because they bothered to show up?  Cops arriving to the scene faster if you slip them a $20?  Hey service industry, quit grubbing for money and do your fucking jobs!  If I think that the service you provided was more than I expected I may CHOOSE to tip you, get it?  I may choose to do it.  If you don’t get a tip it is because you suck at your job, get better at it or get a job that pays better.  Oh and for the establishments that enforce a sliding manditory tips policy for big parties of people, it’s extortion!  you should just be happy we chose this fucking dump in the first place! 

It seems that every married women I meet tells the same story, they are always “wicked horny”, they love sex and they wish their man would bang them more often and harder. (there are a few exceptions)  It also seems that every married man I know tells the same story.  They have to wait for weeks and months until they finally get to have sex and when they do, it is not nearly as good as it was when you were dating.  It is always the really hot sex, when she is wearing the threadbare t-shirt she sleeps in along with old sweats…sexy!   So here is the question…Who then is she telling that “her husband doesn’t bang her often enough or hard enough”??????  Who is the fool she is bullshitting with stories of how much “she don’t eat meat but she sure love the BONE”  I think that it is all bullshit.  I think that all women love sex and i think that they all want sex, but the truth is THEY ARE LAZY, and therefore, withholding it is the easiest way they can exert power without actually working for it.  Think about it, if they were the bread winner that would give them power, but that takes too much effort.  If they gave into all of their urges like we do, how would they get us to take out the garbage or clean the gutters or watch Project Runway!  No they would rather have everyone (except their husband) believe that they are these porn stars.  That way all the world will want to bang them, and that gives them power to make the world do what they want without effort! 

Lets talk about equal rights and division of labor for a minute.  Now before i go off, i want to let everyone know that I am not a caveman.  I agree that the husband and or father in the household holds just as much responsibilty in running the house and raising the children, i am perfectly willing to concede that point.  It isn’t 1950 and it is not the wife’s job to make sure dinner is on the table and the children’s homework is done while i have 3 scotches and smoke 4 cigarettes (which were good for you in 1950) before anyone is allowed to speak to me.  If everyone is working full time, the housework should be split 50/50, yes you massagionists, you may have to do laundry and wash windows. 

 HERE IS WHERE THE SYSTEM BREAKS DOWN….. If I work 50 hours a week and you work 10 and we have no kids, the housework is not split 50/fucking/50.  The division of labor begins when your weekly hourly total of work reaches at least 40 hours!  I am not saying you have to make as much as me or we have to pay equally for the household expenses, we are a team and everything each of us makes goes into the same pot.  What i am saying is that MY 50 HOURS A WEEK THAT I HAVE TO PUT IN IN ORDER TO MAKE SURE THE MORTGAGE PAYMENT DOESN’T BOUNCE counts toward my weekly hourly total of work put into the household.  You can not expect me to get up a 6am work until 5pm and the minute i walk in the door, you hand a fucking vacuum cleaner and then withhold sex when I laugh at you!  especially when i called at 10am and you were still FUCKING SLEEPING!!!!!!!!!!  All I am saying is fair is fair.  If you want to get up every morning a six while I sleep till 10, you put in 10 hour days while I hit starbucks TWICE, that is fine with me.  You can bet that dinner will be ready when you get home and i will fuck you like I own you any night you want, I promise.

Peace Out