Buy The Cow

Is there a sign post I should be looking for? I did not buy the sports car and I am not fucking my secretary, but I am now constantly re-evaluating my core beliefs.

Is my job, what I should be doing? Is there something else out there that I should be doing that would give me some shred of fulfillment, or has that ship sailed? Did I miss that opportunity and sell my soul to the man years ago? The idealistic me thinks, sure I should go find something else that makes a positive impact in my community, my life, my world but the realistic me think that I will embark on this journey for work fulfillment just to find that no matter what I do, it will eventually feel like work and work sucks!

Am I in the relationship I should be in? Is there some mythical partner our there that would complement me so perfectly that everyday will feel like Shangri-La? Or is Jay right? There is only one women out there with a million faces?

Is my spiritual belief system bankrupt? Is there a higher power of some kind that I should be paying more attention to? I don’t mean some bullshit, dogmatic finger wagging old man in the sky. I am talking about the true life force of all things. If this force exists, is there a set of life rules that I should be adhering to? Maybe it is all about the existential connection of all things. Maybe that is why I find myself more and more preoccupied with the question of am I leaving this world better than I found it? I am unjustly judging other people and thus making their life less fulfilling and sending out negative vibes? Does any of that shit matter?

I am starting to think about how I can become more self sustaining. Grow my own food? waste of time? Less television? Will it make a difference. Stop spending all of my positive effort and energy on trying to sort out the minutia of everyday life. By constantly concerning myself with the little shit, all I am doing is avoiding the really tough questions.

So again I ask…at what point is it officially a mid-life crisis? Is there defining event that signifies..Yes this is a mid life crisis? Or is it like a bad shoe in blackjack? You can never tell it is happening until after it is over and you have lost $300 in 10 minutes? Will I look back from my new home in a cardboard box that I now reside in because my attempts at a zero carbon footprint resulted in me with a dead garden, no job and no wife because I stopped showering and realize…yep that was definitely a midlife crisis????

Every duration in life has a point in the middle that sucks.  2:30pm is the time in the workday that absolutely sucks my ass.  It is when you look at the clock and say “what the fuck?!?!?”  it is only 2:30??  How is that possible?  It has been at least 3 hours since lunch, how can it be only 2:30??? I will never make it to the end of the day!! FML! 

Wednesday is known as hump day, it should be called “Fuck! No way?  It has to be at least Thursday!”  I have only put in 2 full days this week?  How is it that every day goes by so slow and every week takes so long but every time I blink I am at least 5 years older and at least 15% and 100% uglier?  Seriously how is that fucking possible?

Now comes the spot in your life where you look around and say really?  This is it?  This is what I have accomplished?  How is that possible.  I have been busy and miserable the whole time, how can I only be at this station in life?  I am a fucking loser, how long until it is acceptable for me to die?  Really that long?  I will never make it.  How can I have accomplish nothing and still be so long from being allowed to kick off. 

As I have said many times…….Fuck me